I miss love. I miss the physical torture of longing for someone. I miss the piss and vinegar that comes with the reckless loss of inhibitions. Spitting the face of anyone who dare doubt your devotion. I miss the most honest tears I've ever cried and the piercing words that caused them. The amount of vim and vigor someone can stir inside of you just by a single glance. Trusting someone enough to become venerable and not even thinking twice about it. I miss saying the words and truly meaning it, with every conviction of my being.
I think I had it once. I don't know if it was love or not, but I certainly felt everything I just described. It was the most intense experience I've ever had in my life. The goods were the best and bads were the worst. It nearly ruined my life. Hell, maybe it did in one way or another… It was a traumatizing experience. When it ended, I thought I ended. It's been seven years and I don't think I'm over it. I've certainly accepted it and moved on, but I can't help but think about it from time to time. Feeling that passionately about someone leaves a permanent footprint in your psyche. I'm not saying that's a bad thing or that I'm damaged goods, but it's certainly something that will never be forgotten.
I'm concerned if my thoughts and feelings are rational, maybe even normal? Is it okay to think and feel the way I do, even after so many years? I guess I'm getting scared. Time is supposed to cure matters of the heart but here I am still thinking about it. Since my experience with love, I have been with several amazing women. Amazing relationships that, on paper, should have been light years beyond the one I'm speaking of. However, I haven't felt that earth moving, moon lassoing, raw, unfiltered deepness since being with her.
Don't get me wrong, each relationship has been special to me. Each has affected me in some way and taught me a great deal about life. Likewise, none of them have been quite on the same level. Maybe it's because I had never really been hurt before her? I didn't have any walls, preconceived notions, any reservations. I laid it all out on the line with her, totally oblivious to the consequences. Totally unaware of what true emotional pain was. I am now fully aware and equally as scared of it.
This is what I'm having a hard time figuring out- am I holding myself back because I haven't found "my" girl or "the one" yet? Like, I will know when it's right and all of my relationship insecurities, walls, and restraints will become nonexistent when I meet her? Maybe because of my experiences and fear, I'll never be able to be as fully reckless and unabashed? I will always hold back a little or it will take a lot effort and time to let my guard down? Or, and as scary as this sounds, will no one else ever quite match up? Maybe she was "the one"? Maybe I am the Forest Gump to her Jenny and I have just suppressed it? After all, it has been a long time and I'm still thinking about the relationship.
Seven years later and I don't know if I truly miss her, or I just miss being madly in love. Either way, I haven't been able to fill the void since she's been gone.
