God… I used to write so much. I used to really enjoy it, thought maybe it’d be a good backup plan if I didn’t become a rock star. What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. The moment I stopped writing was the moment I stopped being honest. A long time ago one of these stupid rambles hurt someone I cared about a lot. I didn’t want to do that again so I stopped writing. Instead of just censoring or being more considerate with my words, I gave it up. I figured if I couldn’t pour my heart out and say what was on my mind, there was no sense in doing it. I still feel that was the right decision and I certainly know it kept me out of a lot of trouble.
She’s gone. You know, if you couldn’t figure out why I suddenly picked it back up. It’s been about three or three and half months since we broke up. I suppose I could have started writing right away, no doubt that I had plenty on my mind. I couldn’t do it… I still felt like I’d be betraying her or intentionally hurting her. I mean, if I was going to be honest in my writings I’d undoubtedly say a few things she’d be directly involved with.
Why now? Why three and half months later? I don’t know… I’m still pretty friggin’ miserable. Just as heartbroken today (maybe more so) as I was the day it happened. The worst part is that I knew that I would be. I knew I’d hurt this bad this long into it. I’m not surprised by this, confused, or frustrated. I just hurt. I simply have a chest crushing weight of longing. I really miss her. Like I said though, I fully expected to feel this way.
Honesty is what this all boils down to. Once I got past the nasty words, bitter thoughts, jealousy, vindictive plots, and blackout anger- I was hurt. I was hurt by the reality that we failed and we were no longer there for one another.
I think the hurt is good. It’s a constant reminder to be wise of the situations you put yourself in. All growth in life requires some sort of sacrifice or pain, why should emotional growth be any different? I had a lot of maturing to do before I could ever be functional in serious relationship. The hurt I acquired for this failure will undoubtedly lead to the personal growth I needed to ever be successful in a future one. For that, I am thankful for experiencing every moment with her and I don’t regret it for a second.
