dr zaius

I like to reside in my imagination most of the day. To the causal observer I must seem alert, coherent and productive because I haven't gotten into much trouble over it. However, as I'm going through the daily motions a fantastic screenplay is flickering in my mind. For example, I spill a carton of orange juice and think to myself "what would Peter Griffin do?" I chuckle as I search for paper towels. Peter would probably blame it on Captain Jean Luc Picard at which point the entire crew of the USS Enterprise would walk into the kitchen where there'd be a long awkward silence. Peter in a condescending tone would ask Jean Luc if he is going to clean up the sticky orange mess.

"Why would I clean it up? You spilt it…" Jean Luc appallingly responds.

Peter with his half shut glaring eyes replies with a quick "No, I didn't".

Jean Luc angered and shocked follows with a "Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't" Peter says before Jean Luc can even finish speaking.

Picard become riled and starts using hand gestures as he goes right back with another "Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't" Peter cuts him short again. This continues for far too long, just as all Family Guy side antics do.

Finally LaVar Burton walks over to the sink and picks up a rag. He dampens the cloth while scowling at Picard and Peter. LaVar, never taking his eyes off the two of them walks over to the mess and wipes it up. Peter and Jean Luc don't say a word as LaVar walks back to the sink where he rinses out the rag and returns to where he was standing. Peter and Jean Luc then stare at one another where Peter blurts out "I always knew he was gay…"

By this point my juice mess has been fully cleaned up and my dream world took me away from the reality of consciously doing it. I smile to myself and wonder if that's how the rest of world gets through their day.

It wasn't until a baseball bat to the chest awoke me from my amusing alternate reality that I became fully aware of how much I relied on it. While the details still haven't been worked out, being blindsided by matters of the heart is always quite sobering. With my imagination all dried up and reality being too real to deal with, I decided to do my best Slash impersonation and finished off a bottle of Old Grand-Dad's. The tall glass of nitroglycerin and ice warmed me more than any Campbell's Soup commercial until my shortness in breath and anger induced adrenaline burst melted into a smirk.

I had entered The Forbidden Zone where the current actions of a so called friend, or even worse a potential love interest, were as foreign to me as a planet ruled by damn dirty apes. Maybe it was the unfair expectations I had of her. We were by no means "together" but by having known her well before I started growing armpit hair I assumed a deep level of honesty and communication. Maybe it's because I had placed her on pedestal. I've never seen her do wrong, therefore I thought she was incapable of it. By this time the ice in my drink had completely melted away and I chuckled at the symbolism. Who needs ice anyway? The glass was filled once again and heartache was my only mixer.

The next afternoon I woke up feeling like I had been given the I Am Legend vaccine but couldn't get one of Dr. Zaius' quotes about man out of my head: "From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself."

Leave it to a talking ape to teach me a little bit about myself. As much as I wanted to blame her for everything I was feeling, hangover included, I knew it was my own fault. My continual battle with the relationship reality of my past, present and future- not to mention the expectations of living up to my inner George Taylor- has created a wasteland far greater then that of The Forbidden Zone.

"The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago." Sounds like Dr. Zaius dealt with his fair share of lady monkeys too...

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