The Making of SW Hammond

I am the bloodline decedent and some have claimed I am the Sir Jagger Von Rockabuilt second coming. I say that is hogwash. I am my own man and always have been. I was born prematurely at 13 pounds 7 ounces when my Mother forced the doctors to induce labor because my man-child beard was rubbing her womb raw. Feeling terrible for causing her so much pain, upon delivery I fired the entire doctor staff for not inducing sooner. They never worked in medicine again.

I had a typical childhood- an occasional mission to the moon, a few OSCARs for my various works in all-time-best box office sellers, and a Nobel prize or two. By 13 I had ventured to the furthest reaches of the world in search of spiritual enlightenment where I perfected the art of reaching Nirvana. Sharing my secret with the good people of Bonawitisika, they made me their king (It's more of a figurehead position, I don't do much ruling).

My teenage years were full of championship rings, war metals, and honing my superb sexual prowess. I once made the Queen Mother blush by simply acknowledging her presence. At 17 I taught Stephen Hawking quantum physics. At 19 I had to refuse to give Slash guitar lessons due to the abnormal mating habits of the humpback whale.

The escapades of my twenties have been classified due to both national security and out of respect for Steven Spielberg as he's trying to culminate his career by making a trilogy of my life. I assure you, these years have been equally as impressive.